Airline Cabin announcements.

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Baywing, Mar 30, 2007.

  1. Baywing

    Baywing

    Feb 22, 2005
    CT USA
    Number 17 is priceless!!!!

    Airline cabin announcements



    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

    2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." < BR>

    3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

    4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

    10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

    20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
     
  2. These are great - they must have heard George Carlin's routine about airline banter!
     
  3. This was not funny at the time but in the mid 70's I was traveling from Miami to Key West, for the mother of all oxymoron training in "Military Intelligence"
    After taking off from Miami they shut down Key West then shut down Miami behind us, at that time the only airline was Sunshine Airlines and they flew non-pressurized props. After 2 hours of flying through the storm a combination Airport Bus Station on Paradise Key cleared after landing the attendant announced.
    "There is a bus to Key West in 2 hours I'll continue to help you to your destination. If you chose to wait for the plane to clear thank you for your business but there will be no service on your last leg I'll be on the Bus "
    Being young and stupid what did I do?
    Rich
     
  4. Gale

    Gale

    978
    Jan 26, 2005
    Viera Fl
    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
    roflmao

    16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal
    worse roflmao

    lolololol
    Thanks Bay
     
  5. I actually heard #6 on a slightly overshot (but safe) landing of a SouthWest flight into Las Vegas. I great way to diffuse the tension in the air...

    Thanks for sharing: these made my laugh!
     
  6. sypher

    sypher

    May 24, 2006
    Cougar Country
    ROFL....breathe....breathe....breathe
     
  7. Mike Z

    Mike Z

    May 30, 2005
    Northbrook, IL
    Great Post
     
  8. Schlitz

    Schlitz

    450
    Apr 22, 2006
    San Antonio, TX
    Dave Talboys
    roflmao - these are great! Very timely -- I had a couple of bumpy flights today coming into Dallas and San Antonio.
     
  9. haze2

    haze2

    780
    Mar 18, 2007
    Phoenix, AZ
    These have been floating around for years and years. The funniest one that actually happened to me was after a "firm" Boeing 727 landing during a thunderstorm in Texas. While taxing to the gate a senior flight attendant opened the door and said "Wayto Frank, you just knocked the IUD out of 14C!
    She shut the door with a slam and the three of us laughed so hard I could hardly taxi.

    haze
     
  10. Julien

    Julien

    Jul 28, 2006
    Paris, France
    Thnaks for the giggles :biggrin:
     
  11. If you haven't flown SAS, you haven't heard anything!
    SAS is a Scandinavian EasyJet concept cheap airliner and the crew resembles at least surfers in Hawaii :biggrin:
    And their mouth... better than "Saturday Night Live" :wink:
     
  12. sonuj2

    sonuj2

    May 11, 2006
    Naperville, IL
    Thanks for posting this ...... what a fun way to begin your Saturday morning!!
     
  13. ROFL! I have laughed so hard I have tears streaming down! I just gotta share this with an American Airlines Pilot that I know!

    Hats off to whoever came up with these! Hilarious!
     
  14. Best one I heard

    On a flight to Europe

    Flight attendant was giving her speal about the overhead attendant light. She said "Push it once to get our attention, push it again to turn it off if you made a mistake. Pressing it a third time will eject you from the aircraft!


    :smile:
     
  15. I never tire of reading these - still laughing!

    Haze, that's HILARIOUS!!!!!!
     
  16. iudoc97

    iudoc97

    Nov 13, 2006
    Indiana
    Southwest funny

    We just got back from Orlando and our flight back to Louisville was a riot. The head attendant was very funny. Just little things to lighten the mood like how much it cost each time you push the attendant request button. After a hard landing in Burmingham he said "ladies and gentleman, that wasn't the captains fault or the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt". We had a particularly long taxi as they changed the active runway on us. After a few minutes of fast taxiing he said "we have achieved out maximum cruise speed and we'll have you home tomorrow morning". Several other little things that were very funny. Thanks for the list.
    Scott
     
  17. Brian-S

    Brian-S

    300
    Feb 10, 2007
    Bay Area, CA
    loved this. a nice change to all the boring, lifeless pictures we see on here :p

    Brian
     
  18. Gale

    Gale

    978
    Jan 26, 2005
    Viera Fl
    Well brian give us some lively great pics if you don't like the others
     
  19. Brian-S

    Brian-S

    300
    Feb 10, 2007
    Bay Area, CA
    haha, Gale, I was just kidding. I guess my sarcasm didn't come through very well via the text. I actually think most of the pictures posted here are absolutely stunning and I've learned so much in the just the few months that I've been a member. A wonderful community and I look forward to sharing more pictures with you soon.

    All the best,
    Brian
     
  20. mickmcco

    mickmcco Guest

    Several I have heard on flights during my traveling days:

    1. The lavatories are also designated no smoking. If you are caught smoking the lavatories, you will be reseated on the wings, where the inflight movie today is "Gone with the Wind."

    2. Male attendant on a Southwest flight: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead. Extend the tube fully, place the mask over your nose and mouth, and breathe like this..." [Hands the mike to a young female attendant, who does some very provocative, heavy breathing.]

    3. "If you are travelling with those requiring adult supervision, please put on your oxygen mask first, then help your husband with his."
     
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