FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a news reports about the obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Jerks' written on it. RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. DEVOUT CATHOLICS. If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up. DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training. DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel. FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly. HOME DEPOT. Why not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can line up for half an hour to pay for. KIDS. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c. SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty cigarette at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window. OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war. PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful. MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.