I feel like I could do with a long sleep at the moment. I am so tired. Both in body and mind. I have spent most of this week in bed.
The last year of my life has been odd. The other day, I realised that I have literally had one week away from work in 52 weeks, so I have booked a week off. I am fully recovered from last years operations, of which I had three - but I do get the odd pain in my chest where I had surgery to remove some god awful lumps from my left side.
So, here it is, at the moment, I feel very depressed about many many things. Hard to put them all into context and many people will read this and think' 'why?'. I do not have an answer but I try my best everyday. I have not felt as bad as this since 2004 when I took a massive overdose as a way out. Of course I recovered and my specialist asked me if I would do that again. I told him I could not answer that question.
The hardest thing are the headaches that my depression can cause when it starts. I was diagnosed as a bi-polar depressive some years ago and I think I conform to all of the cliches regarding behavior though I am becoming more withdrawn and quiet the older I get. Of course, to many, my ill health is still a secret I have kept but just see me as some up and down guy. The truth is that depression costs. It has cost me my wife, my home and a secure future. There is never a day that passes when I dont worry about what I am going to do. Ebbing towards 40 now and no children, which is a shame as I think I could have been a good Dad. I have a big heart.
When I was a kid I used to do some crazy stuff, which when I was in an institution the doctors stacked back up like domino's which led to a decision with them saying that I am ill. Make of that what you want.
However, lots of people are ill and depression gives me the ability to see, feel and experience things that other people cant, especially when I am in that place. Just the other day I was listening to Knights of Cydonia by Muse when out on my road bike and I felt very tearful when I was cycling, but the lyric 'No one's gonna take me alive' made my mind and heart kick start and this other cyclist and I decided to race each other. I beat him and did 9 miles in 28 minutes. A great feeling. Its the carbon frame you see!
As ever, photography is more than money, work and fun for me. It's life and death. Whilst the past is hard to take, the present has brought some wonderful people into my life and my a great great friend who is the best photographer I have met. Just last week, when on a job, he nailed what I wanted in 17 frames, but I took 100 over the shoot, which I suppose aint that many.....
All I really want to do is travel the world taking sports images for Getty, but thats not going to happen.
Suppose even at 37, one can still dream. To paraphrase Joseph, 'if you haven't got a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true...?'