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Self portrait......

Discussion in 'People' started by diego garcia, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. PeteNew800x6001of1.jpg
    Subscribe to see EXIF info for this image (if available)

    I feel like I could do with a long sleep at the moment. I am so tired. Both in body and mind. I have spent most of this week in bed.

    The last year of my life has been odd. The other day, I realised that I have literally had one week away from work in 52 weeks, so I have booked a week off. I am fully recovered from last years operations, of which I had three - but I do get the odd pain in my chest where I had surgery to remove some god awful lumps from my left side.

    So, here it is, at the moment, I feel very depressed about many many things. Hard to put them all into context and many people will read this and think' 'why?'. I do not have an answer but I try my best everyday. I have not felt as bad as this since 2004 when I took a massive overdose as a way out. Of course I recovered and my specialist asked me if I would do that again. I told him I could not answer that question.

    The hardest thing are the headaches that my depression can cause when it starts. I was diagnosed as a bi-polar depressive some years ago and I think I conform to all of the cliches regarding behavior though I am becoming more withdrawn and quiet the older I get. Of course, to many, my ill health is still a secret I have kept but just see me as some up and down guy. The truth is that depression costs. It has cost me my wife, my home and a secure future. There is never a day that passes when I dont worry about what I am going to do. Ebbing towards 40 now and no children, which is a shame as I think I could have been a good Dad. I have a big heart.

    When I was a kid I used to do some crazy stuff, which when I was in an institution the doctors stacked back up like domino's which led to a decision with them saying that I am ill. Make of that what you want.

    However, lots of people are ill and depression gives me the ability to see, feel and experience things that other people cant, especially when I am in that place. Just the other day I was listening to Knights of Cydonia by Muse when out on my road bike and I felt very tearful when I was cycling, but the lyric 'No one's gonna take me alive' made my mind and heart kick start and this other cyclist and I decided to race each other. I beat him and did 9 miles in 28 minutes. A great feeling. Its the carbon frame you see!

    As ever, photography is more than money, work and fun for me. It's life and death. Whilst the past is hard to take, the present has brought some wonderful people into my life and my a great great friend who is the best photographer I have met. Just last week, when on a job, he nailed what I wanted in 17 frames, but I took 100 over the shoot, which I suppose aint that many.....

    All I really want to do is travel the world taking sports images for Getty, but thats not going to happen.

    Suppose even at 37, one can still dream. To paraphrase Joseph, 'if you haven't got a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true...?'

  2. Pete....
    this is a very introspective thread, sir
    many thoughts come to mind when i read it
    i hope that everyone will take notice and comment

    i suppose that i'm not sure whether to worry for you or be happy at your latest revelations.....?

    i want you to know that i'll be thinking about you and hoping that time away will help you, at least for the moment

    feeling depressed about many things... i hope that you will take the time to talk to someone, on a professional level. maybe you didn't start this thread to get advice... and i mean no harm by offering it... but, i want you re-experience JOY and SATISFACTION in your life... and, i know that you can do that.

    37 is young....
    45 is young (though, i don't always feel that way, quite frankly)

    i'll be praying for you this evening...
    it was nice of you to write
    we've missed you
    i hope that you will be more of a presence here

    as for the KNIGHTS OF CYDONIA song.... i love that one, as well
  3. Thank you for sharing this moment in your life. Very touching story, and you will be in my thoughts, and prayers.
  4. Very nice B&W conversion here. The image conveys a certain sadness. Depression is real and having had a son with it I know that it is difficult. I am glad you are looking to some of the good things in your life and I hope you will make the best of them. I am happy that you have a friend to ride with you. Just a short few years ago I so used to love being out on my bike and experiencing nature and the natural high of physical excercise. I wish you the best in dealing with your health problems.
  5. Hello Pete,

    Your self-portrait expresses so well the story you have shared with us. I sincerely hope that you can find a path to follow for wonderful future, for you are a young man with excellent potential. I looked at many of the photographs on your web site and am impressed by the skill you demonstrated. In particular, you seem to have a talent for capturing that "proper moment" in so many of the sports shots. Your interest and passion for shooting sporting events is evident. I hope you can capitalize upon this and find joy in doing so.

    I will now have a place in my prayers for you Pete.

    With kindest regards,
  6. Thanks for the kind words all.

    As ever, trying my best everyday. Some better than others.
  7. dhudspith


    Jan 7, 2006
    North Texas
    Pete - very powerful photograph and story... thanks for sharing and keep finding a place for that creative outlet.
  8. Man....... As a preacher there is so much for me to say.... this thread would not hold the words of expression. Let me at least say this... there is hope.
  9. First of all. Powerful story and photo to go along with it.

    This suggestion might make some uncomfortable, but take it for what it's worth. I suggest you find a Christian based organization (church, etc) that can at least talk to you about living a life for Christ. It will change your life and prepare you for the time when this challenging and sometimes difficult life ends.

    A lot of people say "I'll pray for you" but I often wonder if they really do. Let me be the first to do so first hand...

    Father I pray for Diego right now. He's going through an incredibly tough time with his health and personal life. No one knows how tough it is but him and you. I pray that you would comfort him in a way that only you can. I ask for peace and healing that can only be found in you.... a joy unspeakable! I ask that you would touch him and prepare his soul to meet you when this life ends to spend eternity in glory. In Jesus name... Amen!

    Whatever you choose to do from here sir, God bless you!
  10. Seneca


    Dec 4, 2006
    Powerful...and wonderful...amen! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers too Diego!
  11. Mart61


    Dec 23, 2006
    Camberley, UK

    Wow! That's quite a post and a great self portrait too.

    I'm not sure I can say much more than has been said already. Just be strong, face each day and deal with whatever the day throws at you (be it pain or pleasure, sorrow or joy) and be assured that, however bad it may be, there will always be a tomorrow.

  12. tjk60


    Dec 4, 2007
    troy, mi
    Pete, I've seen a lot of your pics over time and you have a great eye.

    As to the other issues, there are dozens of opportunities to be 'dad' like, Big Brother/Sisters, churches, coaching, schools. Lots of kids out there need a father figure.

    Addressing the depression, keep seeking help, I have people in my life with deression issues, sometimes it's as simple as finding the right person to talk to, sometimes it's finding the right medical help. If your not happy with results in either arena, KEEP LOOKING!

    God Bless, and vent here any time you like! Your amongst friends
  13. okcandids


    Jan 12, 2008
    Southern NH

    Very nice self-portrait and a moving background story to go with it. The one thing I picked up on in your story is that you seemed to find some joy/peace during your "bike race" with the other biker. Why not pursue that further, if you aren't already---look for some competitive bike club (they must exist, right?) Perhaps it may lead to some strong friendships, experiences, and maybe even relationship(s).

    All the best and here's hoping you find some more inner peace and joy. As Tim has said, feel free to vent, you're amongst friends.
  14. Thanks all.

    Wouls just like to express thanks to all and especially Edinburgh Gary as his posts elsewhere allowed me to think about how I was/am feeling and write it down. I cant talk to anyone anymore as the token retort is snap out of it.

    Thanks for the prayers also. It is something I have considered.

  15. jkwa


    Feb 20, 2008
    Pete........It takes guts to bare your soul like that, not alot of people could do what you just did.

    You can accomplish almost anything you want in this life if you put your mind to it, we don't always give ourselves the permission though. At 37 you have a long way to go....can you dream at 37?... absolutlely. The only thing that will stop you is yourself....why let that happen? A line one of my sons uses, not sure where he got it...."Give me the strength to not let my fears determine my destiny". He is a successfull young man.

    Ask yourself what you really want and go get it, we are stronger in mind and body than we realize. Think of some of the obstacles that other people have had to overcome.

    Start small and good things will begin to happen.

    All the best to you........
  16. Pete...

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Take care.
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