The Amazing Butterball Turkey Hotline Story

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During our Zoom session for New Year's lunch with friends, I learned the most amazing story from my friend about her Butterball turkey. The background is that though she is old enough to have recently retired, she had never cooked anything prior to the pandemic. I'll call her Jane to protect her identity.

Jane decided that she would cook Thanksgiving dinner for herself and her husband. The dinner would include the entire works: a whole turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes and another side dish or two. She went to the grocery store, never having bought a turkey in her life, and settled on a Butterball turkey. The smallest she could find was a 22-pound turkey. For two people!

Jane is the only person I know who, for the most part, is more vigilant about the pandemic than even my wife. She was wearing gloves to ensure that her hands wouldn't touch any of the groceries she had purchased. While trying to put the turkey into the car, she dropped it and it rolled downhill in the parking lot two rows of parking spaces away before someone else thankfully brought it to a stop.

She had heard of the Butterball hotline, so she called it from the parking lot. "I'm concerned that the turkey is bruised. If I took the same beating the turkey took, I wouldn't be normal. Will it still be okay to cook and eat the turkey?"

The lady at the Butterball call center explained that in her twenty years of answering hot line calls, she had never heard of a turkey rolling around in a parking lot. Not willing to assume anything, she looked for information about that in the Butterball database. Nope. Apparently nobody in the history of the Butterball hotline had ever called about a turkey rolling around the grocery store's parking lot.

The lady at the call center then reasoned with Jane that this circumstance is not like when a human becomes bruised; the turkey is dead, its system of organs is no longer intact, and all the blood has been drained from it. Moreover, people pound their chicken to tenderize it; if anything, rolling the turkey around the parking lot probably made it more tender. So, it should be fine to cook and eat the turkey. Jane felt comfortable with both lines of thinking.

The more Jane thought about it, though, the more worried she became. She went to another store and was able to buy a somewhat smaller turkey, one that weighed "only" 18 pounds. This second turkey made it safely into her car without rolling around the parking lot.

She threw away the first turkey! She considered donating it but was horrified that someone could become sick from eating it.

After she told the story and after I stopped laughing my head off while hearing about the turkey rolling around the parking lot, I assured her that it would have been perfectly safe to cook and eat the first turkey. I'm not sure she is convinced.
 
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Joined
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Share some scallopini recipes with her, and other ones where we have to take a meat pounder to the meat.
That reminds me that the lady at the call center actually reminded her that people pound their chicken to tenderize it and that, if anything, rolling the turkey around the parking lot probably improved it. EDIT: I added that information to the first post in the thread. Thanks for inadvertently reminding me!
 
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McQ

Just your average, everyday moderator.
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All of us are clueless about some things. This friend of mine has a very long list of lifetime accomplishments that anyone would be very proud of.
Mike, I loved this story. Absolutely hilarious. And I agree - all of us are clueless about some things. I'm certainly clueless about many things. Cooking turkeys is one of them.
 
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I think it was Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, who said "I'm no genius, but I am smart about a few things and I try to stay close to those".

I thought the story was funny up to the part about throwing away the first turkey. I guess it's my (partial) Scotch heritage, but I find such waste unconscionable. But of course she thought she was doing the right thing.

I do applaud her courage in undertaking something like this with no prior experience.
 
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I do applaud her courage in undertaking something like this with no prior experience.
I made a dish once, carefully following the recipe.
It was AWFUL !!!

When I told a friend of mine what happened, she asked about the recipe, and immediately found the flaw.
Recipe stated 3 cups of soy sauce (shoyu), which I followed.
She said that was OBVIOUSLY a typo, and probably should have been 3 Teaspoon or 3 Tablespoon but NOT 3 CUPS.
duh . . . I'm a guy who doesn't know a lot about cooking, I just followed the instructions. Nothing was obvious to me.
 
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I made a dish once, carefully following the recipe.
It was AWFUL !!!

When I told a friend of mine what happened, she asked about the recipe, and immediately found the flaw.
Recipe stated 3 cups of soy sauce (shoyu), which I followed.
She said that was OBVIOUSLY a typo, and probably should have been 3 Teaspoon or 3 Tablespoon but NOT 3 CUPS.
duh . . . I'm a guy who doesn't know a lot about cooking, I just followed the instructions. Nothing was obvious to me.
Some folks should stick to f-stops, EVs, focal lengths and ISO. (y)
 
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Sorry but to throw away a plastic wrapped turkey because it fell on the ground and to think doing so is protecting others is pretty clueless. Particularly after calling the experts and being told it was OK. To use an old expression sounds like she may be "educated well beyond her intelligence".

Maybe the real moral of the story is that the covid situation is making us all crazy :confused:
 
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I know a lot of people- some really really smart people. Successful, famous, researchers that have changed the world, etc.
We are all, each one of us, dumb at something.
I try to keep most of my stupid moments to myself.
Loved the story
gary
 
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Sorry but to throw away a plastic wrapped turkey because it fell on the ground and to think doing so is protecting others is pretty clueless. Particularly after calling the experts and being told it was OK.
Really? How many times have you been told stuff by the so-called experts that you had serious reason to doubt what you had been told, especially when the so-called expert is someone at a call center?

My friend -- folks, she is my friend -- would be the first to tell you she was clueless about it. She was laughing the entire time she was telling us the story. Telling us for the second time in this thread that she was clueless after I had already acknowledged it, well, maybe that in itself is being clueless. As I mentioned earlier, we're all clueless about some things, so welcome to our club!
 
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Yes a funny story, that reminded me of the ham rolling down the car park to eventually get squashed by a truck in Christmas with the Kranks.
I believe I would not have consumed it either though for different reasons to your friend.
 
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Really? How many times have you been told stuff by the so-called experts that you had serious reason to doubt what you had been told, especially when the so-called expert is someone at a call center?

My friend -- folks, she is my friend -- would be the first to tell you she was clueless about it. She was laughing the entire time she was telling us the story. Telling us for the second time in this thread that she was clueless after I had already acknowledged it, well, maybe that in itself is being clueless. As I mentioned earlier, we're all clueless about some things, so welcome to our club!
Sorry if I offended you, Mike. Your story struck somewhat of a pet peeve of mine. I'm clueless myself in that I didn't listen to my own expert inner self and refrain from commenting on the OP. Maybe the last line of my post was closest to the mark. Covid is making us all a bit stir crazy. Please accept my apology to both you and your friend and if it's OK with you please let's just press the reset button.
 

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